[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Wikigenius