[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
peep davidson
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day