[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now