[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Happy Halloween 🎃
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits