“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
This was a bad idea all around
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy