Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
A family that plays together cheats.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.