[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Tremendous stuff
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
no one ever comes back
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.