[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”