[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
You Might Also Like
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…