she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
You Might Also Like
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.