Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Love it! 👍😂
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!