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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.