Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
What an awful time to have common sense.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*