[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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