Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’d … I’d rather not.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.