[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork