[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Best mom ever 😂
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case