[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
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I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.