Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
this was the best i’ve ever seen