Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
You Might Also Like
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
worst…sale…ever
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword