If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating