@mostlydelirious: Phone just autocorrected "your" to "yore" in case thou wouldst think I'm smarter than thee.
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@AimeeHelene1: *husband comes outside* "What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?" *sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@panmidwest: I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn't be fare to him
@daemonic3: GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent