I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else