[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.