[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
i wish we could shoplift online
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?