*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
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Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.