*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Dudes named Chance never had one.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
This is my emotional support knife.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.