[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
accurate
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.