[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
You Might Also Like
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
why would tinder want me to say this
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.