[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Accurate
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
live, laugh, laundry.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
what it’s like dating me: