[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
You Might Also Like
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”