[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
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Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE