Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Spider-cat: No One Home
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Every time my phone rings
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666