[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My current situation
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*