Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest