PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!