Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.