[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
#Caturday
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.