termite twitter scares me
You Might Also Like
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.