@ceejoyner: Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
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@flashember: [Worm sitting alone] WAITER: Dinner for 1? Dumb question W: But- *worm cuts self in half* *waiter shrieks* 2nd WORM: I'll have the prime rib
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
@pleatedjeans: Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@Overdue_Bills: Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.