Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba