[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.