i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
A drum solo but on your face.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers