My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?