Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
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“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.