*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what