*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Put the is in disheveled
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.