*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?