*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.