Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!