Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
🤣
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)