picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
NASA has no chill
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Nice try Hitler
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
That’s fair
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.