Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
kitchen magnet
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number