Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Woke up against my better judgment again
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees